Author Archive

Grilled Lamb Steaks

April 20, 2011 Leave a comment

Sadly you can't smell the onions...or the innocence. But they're both delicious.

Dear Chef Bourdain;

Maybe my lovely fiancee is on to something, with loving to devour any animal, and the more innocent the better. I think if I could find her a lamb that was voted “most innocent”  by the other lambs in its little lamby-school, she would think that was the most delicious lamb that ever lived. The thing is, she might be right.

Spring has sprung here in L.A., and surely this is one of the most beautiful places on earth at this time of year. The air is thick with blooming flowers and cool sea breezes. At night the jasmine opens up and perfumes every breeze. Particularly in my neighborhood of Venice, where there are so many quirky little cottages and houses, all of them with gardens where flowers grow with little effort – it’s a fine time to be alive.  And just now is when so many of these delightful little critters are born, gamboling innocently about the fields until such time as they’re konked on the heads and eaten. Sorry lamby-kins, but please believe, we really loved you.

All the hard work is done by those delightful little bastards, being delicious. Me, I just followed your instructions and marinated them overnight with some garlic, thyme and olive oil. Your instructions say to put the herbs and garlic on top, (after salt and pepper all over) and cover it with olive oil. I think, Chef, in the future, I’d rub the olive oil on and then add the herbs and garlic. Further, I’d like, triple the amount of garlic and double the herbs, because they were a little sparse on the meat.

Chopping up some onions and letting them sit with olive oil and seasoning to make a sort of crude relish was pretty nice. Other than that, you scrape off the herbs and put those steaks on a ripping hot grill. I was worried that the fairly thick steaks I got wouldn’t cook all the way through on the grill – usually I pan-fry and then roast in the oven. But it was plenty hot, and as you can see those steaks took some nice grill marks and finished quite perfectly. It was a little longer than two minutes on a side, but they were pretty thick. I can eyeball this stuff, I’ve grilled plenty.

The result was a fantastic, delicate lamb steak done medium-raw. And I could taste the innocence! Every happy, springing step in the meadow, every delightful frolic, right there in the steak. Here’s an odd thing though – each time I’ve made lamb for friends, there’s been someone at the table that has never had lamb before. How the…? What the…? I mean..? How do you go through an entire life without once having had lamb? I get that the tripe, boudin noir, even mussels, are a little out of the norm for Americans. But lamb? This blows my mind.

One thing though – I think the onion relish would have been better if it had been grilled alongside the lamb, and then served a little caramelized – but I’d want to use some oil other than olive. With a grill that hot, the olive oil could taste kind of weird if burnt – canola would do, though. Maybe the point is that the relish is warm but raw – but it was kind of rough around the edges to me. My lovely fiancee, on the other hand, was crazy about it, and took it from the plates of our other guests who didn’t eat theirs.

I have to confess Chef, I came into this not much caring for onions. They don’t really agree with my stomach, so unless they’re well cooked I tend to avoid them. But I’m a believer now – onions do magical things when you use them right, and see why they’re at the heart of a lot of your dishes. The savory smell while they’re cooking, the mix of sweet channelization and acidic crunch…what a vegetable!

This was a dead easy dish that was really delicious. Definitely a hit – especially with my innocence-consuming soon-to-be-wife. And speaking of soon-to-be-wife – I’m planning on roasting a whole pig at the wedding in May. (You’re totally invited, Chef – May 14th in Two Harbors in Catalina – be there!) I wish I had your help on that one, I’ve never roasted a whole pig before, and since I’m feeding 99 people (100 if you come, Chef…) if I fuck it up, it’s going to be an epic disaster. An island, with no other supply of food in easy reach – if the pig is fucked, the wedding is fucked, basically.

But hey – take a pig, add some flame, how can it not end up delicious somehow, Chef? I know you feel me.



Categories: Uncategorized

Sexy Cat Shrimp

April 9, 2011 Leave a comment

Dear Chef Bourdain;

Ok, one last “Not Chef Bourdain’s Food” post before I dive back into catching up on all the good stuff I’ve been making. Also last one without pictures. People like pictures. Anyway, last night I used some of the overall lessons from your cookbook to invent my own dish. I came up with it in my head while walking around the market looking at ingredients, which I’d say is the first sign that I’ve internalized some key lessons. Those lessons? Use cream and butter. Lots of it.

Sexy Cat Shrimp (Named for our dinner guest, the original Sexy Cat.) Serves 4

1 lb shrimp, shelled, de-veined uncooked.

2 cups heavy cream

1 cup butter

1 medium onion, chopped fine

1 cup white wine

1 tbpsp salt

juice of 1/2 lemon.

12 oz of lobster pate

4 portabella mushrooms, stemmed and cleaned

2 tbpsp garlic oil, + 1/2 tbpsp

1 tbpsp balsamic vinegar

Preheat your oven to 350F.

In big pot, heat the garlic oil on medium high heat and add the onion. When the onion is translucent but not caramelized, add the white wine, bring to a simmer and let reduce by half.

Meanwhile, brush the mushrooms with the left over garlic oil. Put a dollop of lobster pate evenly among the mushrooms, then drizzle with the balsamic and season to taste. Put them on a baking sheet, and set aside.

When the wine is reduced, put in the butter, bouqet garni and cream, and bring to a boil. Reduce it to a simmer, and put the shrimp in the cream sauce at the same time as you put the ‘shrooms in the oven.

When the shrimp are nice and succulent but still tender, strain the shrimp and onions out, reserving the cream sauce. Put the cream sauce back in the pot, put the bouqet garni back in, add lemon juice, and let it reduce over medium heat until it’s thick enough to coat the back of a spoon.

When the mushrooms are nice and tender, cooked through (about ten minutes) plate them, and distribute the shrimp and onions evenly amongst them. Pour on the cream sauce, and serve – with the spare sauce in a gravy boat.


It’s kind of hard to miss with that much butter and cream, but the results were pretty good, if I say so myself. It’s really just a reworking of core techniques from your book, but hey – what is cuisine if we don’t synthesize something new out of the good stuff that other people teach us?

Thanks for the inspiration, Chef!


Categories: Uncategorized

A-Frame in Culver City

April 8, 2011 Leave a comment

Dear Chef Bourdain;

I know it’s been a little while since I rapped at ya – I’ve been on a little break to square away my wedding and maybe lost a little weight. But I have to tell you, if you’re ever in L.A. – you should really check out Roy Choi’s “A-Frame”. This food can literally exorcise demons. I do mean that literally – not “my brain literally exploded” but like, in the literal sense of the word “literal”.

Read more…

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Sans Reservations

February 28, 2011 Leave a comment

Dear Chef Bourdain;

I’m excited about the new season of “No Reservations” that starts tonight. I hope other cooks and readers check it out too – there’s nothing quite like the combination of new places, new foods and new boozes to open one’s eyes.

Next up, I’m going to invent the “No Reservations” drinking game. Hmm. Wait, maybe not – all thing considered, half the recipes in the Les Halles Cookbook include strict instructions to drink. I’m not sure my liver could handle another layer of Bourdain-inspired degeneracy. Does that make it a terrible idea? Or a terribly GOOD idea?

See  you on the boob-tube, chef!


P.S. I’m still waiting for my letter of commendation from Guts Night!

Categories: Uncategorized

40 Dishes Down

February 25, 2011 Leave a comment

Dear  Chef  Bourdain;

I’ve hit a milestone! I mean, not while driving, and especially not while driving after all the wine that you’ve totally ordered me to drink and I am helpless to do anything but comply. No, I mean a milestone like something worth noting. Out of 118 recipes in the Les Halles Cookbook, I’ve made 40. That’s a third down since November (four months ago), putting me right on schedule to complete within a year.

Lessons learned so far – don’t fuck up your meez, add cream and butter, use enough salt, use your own stock, drink wine. Specific things I’ll take away already are a great roast chicken recipe, really excellent mashed potatoes, and a killer, low-fuss appetizer that is perfect for any bar-food craving occasion. I know you know about that, Chef.

Some were pretty awful though – some recipes that just don’t work, or seem to be missing something. Like the rillettes, which were weird and bad. The tart alsacienne, which sounded so good but was super bland. And sadly, the coq au vin, which was a ridiculous amount of work for not much to show. (And I realize now I need to write that up!)

I’ve eaten a giant pile of guts, congealed blood, chocolate love potion, and murdered a lemon tart that ended up great on the second go-round. I’ve also learned that it’s the second go-round (and subsequent) that’s really valuable – that’s when you perfect and elevate your dish. If I were a pro, it’s be the second thousand that mattered, I’m sure – but for a home nerd like me, any repetition means it was fucking good the first time and worth revisiting.

Thanks for everything so far, Chef. Assistant Chef Bourdain and I are grateful for all the good food, and good times with people we both love. Though, to be honest, he pretty much loves everyone except squirrels.


Categories: Uncategorized

Tartiflette – The Triumph of Bacon

February 24, 2011 1 comment

Tartiflette, aka The Triumph of Bacon, aka Oh Shit That's Good!

Dear  Chef Bourdain;

For a long time I was an adherent of the notion that everything is better with bacon. This was a mistake – like telling a friend you like monkeys, and then getting monkey shit for every gift-giving occasion for the rest of your life, I was inundated with bacon-related gifts. Lest I sound like a cad, let me say, bacon-related gift items are pretty much as awesome as they sound. But it did teach me that not in fact quite everything goes better with bacon.

Happily, French cuisine is not one of those things that doesn’t go better with bacon. Let me unpack that unwieldy sentence for you – the recipes in your book often contain bacon, and are always better for it. I hadn’t realized bistro style cooking was quite so bacon-positive. (Must be third-wave baconists, I guess.)

Almost everything is better with bacon.

Tartiflette is an obscure name for an amazing dish. I’m pretty sure if we gave it a more appealing name, it would rapidly become a much-beloved bar food like potato skins or buffalo wings. “Tartiflette” doesn’t really convey what a beautiful mashup of potato, bacon and cheese this is. I will henceforward refer to it as “The Triumph of Bacon.” Hmm, maybe that still needs some work.

Tartiflette, aka The Triumph of Bacon, aka Oh Shit That's Good!

This one was really easy, too. Boil some potatoes, a skill mastered by everybody who can get potatoes. Skillet up some bacon.

Be prepared to fend off Assistant Chef Bourdain and other interlopers.

Drain off most of the grease and set aside the bacon. Fry up some onion in the pan until it’s nice and moogly. And that’s it. Remain vigilant, interlopers will have smelled the bacon and the onion and become interested.

Eyes in the back of my head, when bacon is at hand.

Scumbling up the potato, bacon and onions in the pan is easy. Then put in a layer in a casserole, and cover it with rebolochon cheese. Another layer of the mix, and another layer of cheese on top. Melt in oven. Bask in the glory that is one of the most comforting of comfort foods imaginable.

Melting, bubbly, bacony comfort.

I served this with some crostini to dab it on or scoop it up. I think something like fritos scoops would be white trash…but white-trash-delicious. This also reheated beautifully, in some ways even better than it was fresh out of the oven. In the future in cold weather, I might make this well ahead and reheat as a starter. I’m definitely making while skiing next month – putting this firmly in the “Hit” category.

What’s seeming to be the heart of bistro style cooking is recipes that are relatively easy, keep well and reheat nicely, and are very delicious.  The challenge has been finding some of the ingredients that would be very common at the actual Les Halles, but are esoteric here in Los Angeles. But the methods I’m learning, and the heart of the style are really valuable.  It’s kind of like practicing kata or forms in martial arts – first you learn the individual moves, then you see how they go together and flow from one to another – but the work of making the cognitive leap from understanding parts to the whole that is greater than the sum of those parts takes time, repetition and some stroke of inspiration.

So far those strokes of inspiration have, happily, involved a lot of bacon. What a wonderful discovery!

Yours with bacon;



Categories: Cooking, Eating, Prep

Those Adorable, Delicious Little Lamb Bastards

February 22, 2011 1 comment

Carre D'Agneau au Moutarde

Dear Chef Bourdain;

Doesn’t “Carre D’agneau” sound like a character from a chick-flick like “Sex In the  City” or something? I’m going to name a character in my next story “Carrie Lamb”. She (or he) should somehow exhibit the characteristics of being delicious, covered in mustard and crumbs, and easy to prepare.

Since the crust is really mustard, herbs, and crumb, I feel like there ought to be an “en croute” in there somewhere. I am neither an expert in the French language nor cuisine taxonomy though, so I’ll stick to telling you how fucking awesome this recipe is. It is. (Fucking awesome that is.)

MLF (Acronym for My Lovely Fiancee if you’re just joining in) is a huge fan of eating any sort of baby animal she can, and in particular, lambs. Those adorable little bastards just look incredibly tantalizing to her – like in a cartoon when the wolf and the rabbit are trapped on a life-raft and the wolf just sees a big drumstick instead of the rabbit’s face? That’s how she sees adorable little lambykins bounding around in the Spring meadows. So for Valentine’s Day, it was a given I’d be making lamb for her.  Originally it was going to be a lamb shank, but your only recipe for shanks is “Agneau au sept heurs” which, true to its name, takes seven hours, not really practical on a week night for a working stiff.

I picked up a couple of frenched lamb racks. When I got home on Valentine’s Day night, I heated up a pan nice and hot, and seasoned the lamb on both sides. I seared it so it was nice and brown and let it stand. It was a simple matter to slather it with herbs, dijon and bread crumbs, and put in a roasting pan for the hot oven.

Can you see how adorable that lamb must have been?

Whipping up the sauce from the searing pan was easy while they cooked. I’ve noticed in general that your recipes in the book take about 1/3 again as long as you say they ought. I theorize that my oven just isn’t as hot as a professional oven. (That is also not a euphemism.) Anyway they came out more than just a little raw, but having seen this before throughout this project, I knew to leave the oven hot just in case. A few extra minutes did the trick, and they were perfect.

Innocent Creatures For Two!

The fat side was nicely seasoned with the dijon crust. The fat that ran along the edge of the bone had melted into the meat, and that particular bite was especially delectable. It’s like I could taste that little lamby-wamby’s innocence. And it was delicious! Mmmm, innocence. And now that I’ve eaten that innocence, I’m more innocent, right? Or does that just work with fat?

We also reheated some of the tartiflette to go with it, and if it’s possible, it was even better the next day when everything had melted together and mixed. The same was true of the lamb – I took the leftovers in to work the next day and they were even more complex, nuanced, and superb.

This one was a definite hit, Chef. It doesn’t take too long, there’s next to no prep, the ingredients aren’t too obscure, and the results were truly excellent. This is another recipe that goes in my back pocket of things to whip up if I have short notice and unexpected guests.

So delicious, and so adorable! Thanks Chef!


Categories: Cooking, Eating

Steak Warhammer – Steak Au Poivre

February 21, 2011 Leave a comment

Dear Chef Bourdain;

I have a tiny mortar and pestle. That’s not a euphemism. I mean the kitchen implement, and the one I have is a great size for say, crushing herbs or making almond dust. (Internet commenters, I have provided you with some excellent straight-lines here, I expect top-notch work!) But it’s too small to crack enough peppercorns for steak au poivre for six people. Sterner measures were called for.

So there were my peppercorns, crushed with the best tool I had for the job – a warhammer. Hey, it’s not just my weapon-of-choice for the zombie apocalypse, it’s also a handy tenderizer and whatnot!

I’m pretty handy with a steak, if truth be told. Knowing how to nicely pan-roast a good cut of meat was one of the skills I came into this project having if not mastered, at least journeymaned. But I was looking forward to this dinner – I found some really beautiful filets mignon at the local Costco. They were really thick, and a deep, dark red color. Like theater curtains. Of meat. Like you, I don’t think filet deserves the reputation it gets, it’s kind of bland. But it certainly has a buttery, toothsome texture, so kicking up its flavor with some pepper for spice, butter, cognac and to add some fat and flavor? Yeah, I’m in. And the prospect that the pan would flame up made it even more enticing!

I had two pans large enough to use, and six steaks to do. Because everyone was sitting down together, I couldn’t do them in batches,  per se, they all had to finish resting at the same time. So I got both pans ripping hot. Not as hot as I normally would, because your instructions call for a a little less heat, presumably because of the butter rather than oil – lower smoke point and all. I seared ’em up nice and brown, then transferred all six into the cast-iron pan in the pre-heated oven.

It was then that it was time to make the flame happen!

Action Shot! Only...without the action!

No flame.  I was excited about this, too – giant gouts of flame are ALWAYS fun, and when they’re combined with delicious meat and booze? That’s a fiesta, Chef.  A goddamn fiesta! But there was no flame here, just the steam and smoke. I realized why, after the fact – because this pan hadn’t roasted in the oven (the other one was doing that) it wasn’t as hot as it otherwise might have been.

So, the cognac didn’t flare up, but the resulting sauce was still pretty amazing. Hard to go wrong with butter, fat, cognac and seasoning though, right? I de-glazed the second pan with the sauce when it came out of the oven too, not wanting to waste any of that delicious frond.

I served up the resulting symphony of beast, flame, booze and warhammer-crushings with truffled pommes frites, sauteed asparagus, and love. That’s the secret ingredient.

The Secret Ingredient is...

HAHA. No, just kidding, the secret ingredient is definitely the booze.

Have some booze for me, Chef.


P.S. The leftovers the next day might have actually been even better, chef!

Chocolate Mousse Les Halles, AKA Love Potion #9

February 17, 2011 1 comment

Chocolate Mousse Les Halles

Dear Chef Bourdain;

What motivation is there in life for the heterosexual male of greater import than to woo women? In this endeavor, the God of nature and the world has given us a few allies, not least of which is chocolate. (And my machismo, but that only works for me. Mostly.) So recipes that involve not just chocolate, but really good chocolate are like solid gold when it comes to wooing women – particularly when the operations order involves deploying them in the immediate proximity of Valentine’s Day. This was a carefully orchestrated hit, Chef, and …well, a gentleman would say no more. Nor shall I.

So as the opening phase of this particular operation, I gathered my meez. You’ll note that I happened to find the precise brand of chocolate you  mention in the book – and happily they carry it at the Whole Foods down the street. Vahlrona, to be precise. But I threw in a little Dagobah chocolate for the second layer, because it’s really, really good, and also named after  Yoda’s planet.

Chocolate Meez sounds like the past tense of mousse

You’ll note the exercise supplements in the background. While my sudden vast increase of butter and cream intake hasn’t actually gained me any weight, neither has it lost me any. If I’m going to remain in my current stunning pear-shaped physique, and not outright spheroid, I’d better start lifting heavy things guilty of nothing other than sizable inertia due to the interaction of mass and gravity.  So I’m on that. But in the mean time. Chocolate!

Step one is to get your chocolate nice and melty. This is pretty easy – hot water and a mixing bowl. Maybe I’d have used a proper double-boiler, but when in doubt I’m following your instructions.

Do I make you horny, baby?

Happily I’ve taken your “don’t fuck up your meez” mantra well to heart, and thus had already separated my eggs when the chocolate was melting. I whipped up the whites until they had soft peaks. When the chocolate was melted, I added gran marnier and it quickly changed color and consistency into something really sticky and really shiny. I mean, still obviously chocolate, it’s not like it turned into The Silver Surfer’s boogers or something. But a real obvious change in state.

After that I added the yolks and melted in the butter, tablespoon by tablespoon.  Unfortunately, I let this sit for a while to whip up the whites a little more. I’m afraid it might have had a negative effect. Once I mixed in the whites (blended with sugar and cream) it was still really dense.

I poured it out into the souffle cups I’d set aside for the purpose and realized it barely covered the bottom. This seemed chintzy to me. (Is that a word I can use that’s not based on some ethnic slur?) It also seemed way too dense, and not at all like the light and fluffy consistency I think of as being “mousse.” So I quickly whipped up a second batch with the left over chocolate. That’s pretty cool, it sort of tells me that this isn’t a terribly hard thing to scratch together in a hurry.

Later on I was serving truffled fries, steak au poivre and asparagus, so I had lots to do. It was nice to be able to tuck this in the fridge and pull it out as needed.  (This is true of so many things, especially when you realize I refer to my shorts as “the fridge.”) Dutiful to your imprecation, I did not even think about Reddi-Whip or Cool-Whip. Actually, that is a lie – because you mentioned it, I couldn’t help but think of it. It’s like of someone jumped out from behind your couch and said “DON’T THINK ABOUT ELEPHANTS!” you’d probably think about elephants. Also what they were doing behind your couch, and why the strange man in the clown shoes had an ocelot on his head…err, wait, no, that’s just me.

So I whipped some cream fresh, and here’s the proof.

Is it "whipped" or "hwipped"?

The result wasn’t like any kind of mousse I’ve had in the past, but it was really good. It was incredibly rich, and my double-helping was too much for everyone but the most gluttonous of eaters. (That’s pretty much just me.) In the future I’ll just use smaller serving vessels, like even something as small as a highball or shot-glass.  But intricacies of glassware aside, it had a great, rich flavor. It wasn’t too sweet (like all of your desserts) but was very complex, creamy and delicious. With the none-too-sweet freshly whipped cream on top, it balanced really nicely and made a perfect cap to the dinner.

The rest of the work, of course, was done by machismo after the guests went home.


P.S. And by “the work” I mean “eating the leftovers.”

Categories: Uncategorized

Boudin Noir Aux Pommes et Chien Bizarre

February 14, 2011 2 comments

Boudin Noir aux Pommes

Dear Chef Bourdain;

Really, you could just skip this post and take a look at that picture. I mean, we talk about food porn from time to time, but …yeah. Blood sausage cack-n-ballz. Yum!

So I have  story about the primary ingredient in boudin noir, and like a lot of good stories, it’s got a bit with a dog.

This dog, in particular.

One day, I came home from work to find that Assistant Chef Bourdain (who goes by Blink when he’s not in the kitchen) had broken into a bag of blood meal fertilizer while I was out. Blood meal fertilizer is, in fact, just congealed blood in a bag, exactly like boudin noir – only for the garden instead of the plate. So there’s congealed blood scattered all over the kitchen, and in a big pile in the dining room on the carpet, too. And the dog looked very uncomfortable, and vaguely guilty, not unlike someone slinking out of a fetish club. Clearly he’d eaten most of a three pound bag of congealed blood.

After some fevered research, I found that he would probably be okay since it was organic and whatnot. Not unlike boudin noir. He groaned a little bit, but otherwise had an average evening. Flash to the next morning, when I’m blearily going through my morning ablutions. So bleary was I, I even brushed my teeth and splashed water on my face without turning the bathroom lights on. I fed the dog, filled his water bowl, and smelled the undeniable odor of dog farts. Given that the dog wasn’t in the room, this was an impressive achievement. With a dawning sense of horror, I looked down. That was no fart, that was…all over my shoe. But the dawning horror didn’t stop there – oh no, with a sinking heart I saw that poo-ey footsteps reversed my path from the kitchen sink, through the dining room, the living room, the office, and back to the bathroom – where a pile of 90% boudin noir had been deposited by  my groaning dog.

Spending the day cleaning up the World Of Poo that I temporarily inhabited, I never really thought one day I’d cook and eat the very same stuff with some caramelized apples. And yet…


Good for dirt, good for sausage!

The actual recipe was fairly easy. I still managed to fuck it up pretty spectacularly, but fortunately it was with easily replaced ingredients. Honestly, you wouldn’t think applying heat to butter and sugar to create caramel was all that hard. And yet, I succeded in creating the below revolting mess.

Burnt sugar, not at all appetizing!

So I tried again, and this time I came up with something that could more properly be described as caramel.

This I would eat! (And did.)

All that remained was to coat the apples in the caramel, and the blacken the sausage in a pan before putting everything in the oven.

Totally the best part. Sorry Chef.

You describe boudin noir as “some of the best eating on earth,” a phrase I’ve observed you only use for stuff that would generally be considered “exotic” at best…but hey, it’s your thing. And I can sort of see the appeal – it’s as earthy as anything edible could be. Not inappropriate since it’s nearest cousin is, in fact, garden fertilizer. But it is seasoned, and with a bit of salt and cumin, and the crunchy caramelization from a nice hot pan, I’d go so far as to call it downright pleasant.  Have you ever had scrapple, chef? It’s similar stuff from my home region of Pennsylvania, but infinitely superior in every way. Oh yeah, it’s everything on the pig between the tail and the squeal, mixed with a little gelatin and corn meal, to give it that nice mushy, gelatinous gray appeal. But brown it up with a little butter and salt, and it’s delicious!

In fact, some of the best eating on earth. You know what I’m starting to think, Chef? That the secret is the butter, heat, and salt. That, and nostalgia.


Categories: Uncategorized
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